Homecoming

What happened to the girl I used to know?

You let your mind out somewhere down the road,

Don't bring me down, down, down, down, down

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

—from Lynne, Jeff. (1979). Don't Bring Me Down [lyrics]

The army? It’s bullshit, really. Two years amid spells of senseless madness, where life can be short. I took off my uniform and notified Peavey Company. I soon began handling all things computer at the new Tech Center, back working days and schooling nights, busy with responsibilities.

Since returning I had been on the lookout for enemies, strange sights, sounds and smells. Diesel churned my stomach. I looked up every time I heard a helicopter. The 4th of July was tense. Fireworks and the lingering smell of sulfur—incoming or outgoing? At first I slept well, but then I would wake up suddenly in a cold sweat not knowing where I was and had to change my t-shirt. The doctors suggested hypnosis. I demurred—who knows what that might bring.

*

“I don’t know you anymore. You’re not the same person you used to be,” my wife said.

The teasing and pleasing of a new marriage was over; a space had developed between us. We were just keeping things going, it seemed. I saw this as a period of adjustment that would take its own good time. Isn't marriage a lifetime guarantee? My parents just had their silver.

My in-laws held a large family picnic over a weekend at Taylor's Falls, a picturesque favorite in Minnesota. I didn't realize that our marriage was the hot topic. A few days later, my sister-in-law Barb and her husband Steve spilled the beans. They lived in the same apartment complex as we did and kept their mouths shut and their feelings in check during the weekend, but they couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I know where her boyfriend lives. Interested?” said Steve.

“Let's go.”

We hopped into Steve’s car. Everything made sense now—a boyfriend! She didn’t answer my letters and struck out the bank account. She palmed Tami off on her folks. Drinking, drugs and who knows what? So obvious in retrospect.

They were outside on the front stoop. I had them in my sights when Steve and I approached the house, unseen and unannounced. Thoughts went through my head—I was a trained killer. I walked up to the surprised couple and addressed my wife, “You just lost your kid.”

After minute of stunned silence, Steve and I left.

In basic, the Drill Sergeant taunted us with, “Ain't no use goin' home. Jody's got your girl, drove your car, and spent your money.” I can attest to every word! I would have found out sooner or later, but I was grateful to Barb and Steve for sparing me the prolonged agony. We're still good friends. Steve considers me a brother—you don't hear that every day. 

On the way home, I learned that her boyfriend had been on the premises and slipped out the back when I surprised her on my return from Vietnam. Her lips were warm and swollen pink. For all I know, he'd been in the bedroom zipping up his fly.

When she dragged herself back to our apartment, she turned her face up to me and said she had screwed up. We both knew it was over, but I wasn’t ready. I loved Tami. I loved my wife. We spoke at length and resolved nothing. Her parents were angry. My mother was angry. My dad had Parkinson's and didn’t say much. Some families butt in. Mine butted out.

*

A friend of my dad's had been a court reporter and had seen Kermit Gill, a no-nonsense criminal attorney, in action. Nothing fazed him except his girl Friday. He immediately opened up the possibilities. “We could do this, that and the other. See what’s workable. Let me know.”

At home, I suggested counseling, but my wife wasn't interested. Things were said that couldn't be unsaid. She didn’t want me anymore, which wounded me more than enemy fire. She wanted out.

After she saw the divorce papers, she had second thoughts. Too late! I had reached my saturation point. It was time to move on. I called Gill. “I want Tami.”

“You could get child support for the little girl. The door is wide open.”

I broke down, sobbing. “Just end it.”

All I could do now was wait. I spent the next few weeks in a state of nervous anticipation. 

My mother and brother were with me at the custody hearing. Gill had prepared us for the worst. Mom had a sheaf of papers with everything she didn’t like about my wife and a slew of reasons why I should get custody. My wife was a no-show. I was awarded custody almost before it started. The divorce was uncontested. 

My wife remarried and started a new family. I vowed no second act and kept Tami close. We developed strong ties and a life-long friendship with our former in-laws. I am forever grateful for that. 

At first, Tami was a sad little girl. “Where's mom?” When my ex started her visits, they were random and rare. Her no-shows were heartbreaking. When the visits came off, Tami would start crying after she dropped her off. “Mom's not here.” Here we go again.

My wife dropped the bomb on me the first time I saw her, she was so ridiculously beautiful. I was infatuated—I fell in love right away. It was inconceivable that such a romance could end like this. Thoughts of her and Tami followed me everywhere in Vietnam and kept me going. That world was gone, too. 

Sgt. Dunnuck was wrong when he said, ‘It dun’ mean nuthin’.